By Mike McNair

I have a brilliant idea for a book series that could easily become a runaway bestseller. I’m sure you’re familiar with all the “for Dummies” books that explain how to do things in terms so simple even “dummies” are supposed to understand how to do them. Well, the “for Dummies” concept has one major flaw; it’s written by experts. That means they have to water down their explanations drastically for the average dummy to understand them and even more if they want me to understand them. 

It’s common knowledge that no one likes to have his soup, drinks, or explanations watered down. That’s why my new series will be so popular. I don’t know anything about anything, which means it’ll be impossible for me to water down my explanations. Instead, I’ll make my explanations stronger by providing commentary. 

I’m writing the books in alphabetical order. Right now I’m working on the first book in the series, Appliance Repair by Dummies. Here are two sample entries.

 

                Repairing the clothes dryer

Problem: Doesn’t heat. 

Recommendation: Check for birds.

Commentary:  Years ago when my dryer didn’t heat, I didn’t have this handy book to tell me to check for birds. So, naturally, I made the expensive mistake of calling the repairman, who corrected the problem in two minutes by removing a bird’s nest from the vent. I still had to pay for the service call. See how this book will pay for itself many times over?

                Repairing the dehumidifier

Problem: Water fills the bucket instead of draining through the attached hose.

Recommendation: Remove hose and clean out slime. Reattach hose.

Commentary:  This very problem almost drove me crazy recently. Every time the bucket filled, I’d empty it and tighten the hose a little more. I finally discovered the problem was caused by slime, but nowhere in my manual does it say, “If water fills bucket instead of draining through the hose, remove slime.” The thought that dehumidifiers can create slime from the moisture it sucks from the air is in itself beyond my comprehension. But that’s exactly what happened. Out of desperation one day, I removed the hose and discovered a glob of hardened slime that appeared just months away from growing legs. After removing it so that it no longer blocked the hose opening, I connected the hose to a faucet and turned on the water, blowing out about a dozen more slimy globules. One of them cursed and warned me to watch my back just before it disappeared down the drain. I now sleep with a nightlight on, one eye open, and a water pistol filled with Slime-Away tucked under my pillow. I figure if dehumidifiers are smart enough to create slime from thin air, the slime just might be smart enough to crawl out of the drain and find my bedroom. And we all know how quiet slime can be when it sneaks up on someone.

You have to admit my “by Dummies” concept is cutting edge, but I can’t write all the books myself. If I’m going to make it all the way to the last book in the series, Zither Playing by Dummies, in my lifetime, I’m going to need a lot of help. I’m currently looking for people who know nothing about mechanics or diesel engines to write the next book in the series, Bulldozer Repair by Dummies.  If you think a bulldozer is a napping cow, give me a call. I’d say you’re head writer material.